Maybe You Don't Always Need a Goal
I have been thinking a lot recently about what I want in life. Last year I bought a house and completed a goal I had for a long time. Before that I had worked hard to get my job and into the position that I am in now, worked hard for my degree, spent a considerable amount of time writing my books and other things. I have always had something to work towards or some goal in mind. I think this has been valuable for me and has gotten me to where I am. I am both fortunate and grateful for where I am and not all of that has been in my control, but what has been I have pushed for.
After pushing and moving in I had not let myself relax until recently. I needed to fix up the house or find another project. I have made a little home server, done lots of decorating and then started making a video game. I convinced myself that making the game would be worthwhile, because I wasn't happy with my work and wanted to do my own thing, and started spending all my free time on it when I was already feeling a little down. For a month or so I managed to increase my motivation, I had 3D movement going in Godot, and some spells, along with a level building mechanism using Trenchbroom a level editor for Quake using ideas from Blargis' dev logs on Youtube.
Then I hit a brick wall. My motivation was completely zapped. I knew I could make the game, I knew I could finish my 2025 Reading One Book a Month challenge, and I knew I could keep pushing myself. I decided it wasn't worth it though. I was not happy anymore. I had finished all my past goals and they weren't making me happy anymore. It always feels good to finish something and it is worth pushing through the hard parts often, but really I think you should enjoy the process.
I have become considerably happier in the past month or so. There are a few things I have changed. In August, I have been doing a walking challenge, in groups of five we are trying to walk over 2000km in the month, this has given me much more time alone walking and thinking. The walks and thinking have been good for me and I intend to make a habit of them. I have worked some things out in my head in this process and decided to let myself relax for a while. I am going to try some new things out, and if I find anything that I really like I will go with it instead of forcing myself to do things as much.
I have also severely cut down my watching of Youtube. Years ago I deleted a lot of my social media and won't use most things that have an algorithmic feed for various reasons, but if you haven't already you should look into how they are designed like Skinner boxes. I kept Youtube because I believed that I got enough out of it and at the time I was only watching my subscriptions. Many times since I have fell into Youtube binges and been drawn into the algorithm. I know it is bad for me, I know it is a useless time sink that I am no longer getting much out of, but I can't stop myself. When I am down it is how I unwind and I think, "Well I could be addicted to worse things."
The final thing I have done is change my perspective. In reading The Courage to be Disliked and watch Newel of Knowledge on Youtube and have seen a perspective that I lost. I used to be endlessly optimistic about the world but have recently found myself calling myself a "realist" which is usually just the shield of a pessimist. So I have decided not to care what people think, to believe that people are good and want the best and to believe in humanity as a whole.
I don't know which of these things has made me the most happy or if it is a cocktail of them all, but I want to maintain this if I can. I know we can't be happy all the time but I can at least not be down all the time. So I am going to strive to keep up with all of these things and see if it persists. I know this entire ramble was tangentially related to the title. Either way I think pushing too much for my goals was making me unhappy and I am going to drift a little and try to be a little happier. That's what your twenties are supposed to be for anyway right?
This entire article may seem a little entitled to some but it is how I feel and I don't really care